How to be a a Deadbeat in 6 easy steps

Step 1: Only see your child once ever 2-5 weeks, depending on when your parent's work and can pick him up. Refuse to relocate from you shell of a trailer home that is not even safe enough for him your to see you in, to the city your child actually lives in.

2. Only call your child once a month or so, disregarding the part of the court order YOU insisted on.

3. Don't EVER pay child support, or offer to buy anything your child actually NEEDS other than thing that buy his love, like toys and chocolate milk when you do actually see your child.To achieve this very important step you must provide the court in your state with proof of SSI, which will exempt you from child support payments due to you not being able to afford it. Most importantly, spend all your money on yourself on thing YOU need like 3 or 4 drum sets, multiple cell phone, video games, body piercings, internet and cell phone bills and brand new PS4's .

4. Don't ever  actually parent your child when you see him. Do not bathe, watch, discipline or cook him an actual meal consisting of anything more than gummy snacks and chocolate milk or apple juice. Oh, no this YOUR play date. Your job is to convince your child you are the best, most fun parent ever. But more importantly, you must convince the entire word of this, via Facebook and Instagram of course. To complete this important step, simply snap no less than 85 picture per visit day, upload them to Facebook with captions about how much you love your child, and  then leave your child in the care of your parents and go back to your trailer home to wait for the positive feed back about what a wonderful parent you are from females.

5. Have so much free time on your hands from not working to support your child, or ever seeing or taking care of your child that you sit in the bathroom mirror of you trailer shell taking duck lip selfies, no less than 10 per day. When your not doing that you can make videos about your *Never Going To Happen* Drumming career or killing people with swords. Or about how bitches are all crazy. Tip : Always finding a way to victimize yourself in any and all situation, and the occasional update of how much you miss your child because their other parent is refusing visitation is also a good pass time.

6 : Follow the above steps while convincing yourself you are not a dead beat, but in fact actually the worlds best parent . Remember to continuously keep up on your Facebook parent image to feed this delusion.

Tip : ALWAYS put your own needs and want ahead of your child's but have a never ending list of reason to justifie this.

Good luck and hope this gets you all the Facebook feedback you could ever hope for :)

Stuffed Animal Hoarder

Most four year old's have a favorite stuffed toy (or maybe 2) that they sleep with every night. I know I did. * cough rotted frog *. I remember all of my fur babies. Ayla has a Tiger named "Ty Ty" that she just recently took an attachment to. Anyway, Brenden started out with a teddy bear and small puppy. There names are literally just Teddy Bear and Puppy. Yeah creative one I got there ha ha. Anyway he had these both since about 2 years old, "Teddy Bear" a little longer. Then for Christmas Santa brought  him a Snoopy. Snoopy instantly earned a permanent place in Brenden's bed. Okay, so 3 isn't too bad.
 Then just over the last week he went to the Doctor and they gave him these 2 little rinky dink gumball machine like stuffed toys, a penguin and another puppy after getting his shots. I figured they would get lost at the bottom less pit that is his toy box... but no. Those also earned a place in place in his heart... and his bed. Five. Then, just tonight he brought home a ANOTHER puppy he forgot a Grandma's house from Christmas. Oh my damn word. 6 . He now sleeps with SIX stuffed animals in his bed. Every night I dig threw his room to find 6 stuffed animals. If I don't find ALL six, and TUCK IN ALL SIX of these little ratty ass fur balls, he will lay in bed and cry until he  is tucked in with his COMPLETE collection. *FACE PALM* I seriously begin to worry about his sanity (not really. I have a screwed sense of humor, bear with me ) I am really becoming anxious that EVERY freaking stuffed animal he sees is going to keep !
 He is becoming like a crazy cat lady at only four year old, just with stuffed animals ! Will he become a real true animal hoarder when he grows up ?!  As a matter of fact he just woke up for a drink and John ( My Love ) just asked him if he had all of his pets * FACE PALM* LMAO.
 You know how I know his "desire to collect " is becoming out of control ? He has a queen size bed and his stuffed animals have the WHOLE bed and sleeps on the damn edge so his pretend animals can be comfortable ! Okay maybe that part is only my imagination taking over. Ha ha.  Really I think it cute (to a degree) and I'm *mostly* kidding. I mean it could be worse, could be dragging them all around in a baby sling or something  ;) Kids and their phases.. Gotta love em !

Mishap : Calliou

 Calliou bashing may not be too original but I'm going to get it out there anyway. Calliou is an original Douch. I swear who ever created just took every single bad trait a child can possess and called it "Calliou Halitosis". This may sound a bit harsh, I know but if you know who this little bald headed  demon is you will understand. If you don't know who he is consider yourself one of the lucky ones. You see, Calliou is not your typical annoying, get under your skin preschool show. The ones that bug the hell out of you, but you can deal with it because it keeps your kid in one place for 30 minutes or so. If you don't know who this Calliou kid is then let me take a moment to tell you. He is the worlds biggest whine ass of a four year old. He is great, until any smallest thing does not go his way. Then his true colors come out. He lets you know, in his high pitched whiny ass voice that in his bald noggin he is the ruler of his primary colored world. If Rosie want to wants to use a yellow crayon, but Calliou wants her use a red one ( of course all primary colors ) he whines about it . Then Mommy comes over and gently explains to Calliou why Rosie may want to use yellow instead of  instead of red. Look Calliou ! Rosie want to draw Gilburt in the sun ! La Dee  DA! But Calliou, the stubborn little jerk that he is, crosses is arms, and says NO, he does not want want ROSIE to use RED. Then Mommy comes up with a compromise so that they both win. AKA Calliou get's his damn way! Maybe Rosie can draw the sun with the yellow crayon and them draw strawberry's with the red one. Then Calliou uncrosses his arms and flicks away his one blue tear and say ... Okay Mommy with a half smile. Then fifteen seconds later they are all laughing in high pitched squeals . I mean how does Mommy get anything done ? How does toddler aged Rosie resist the urge to claw Calliou's eyes out when he's alway raining on her damn parade? 

He goes from Zero to sixty in 3.5. One minute hes there, all calm cool and collected, rolling primary colored clay balls at "play school" (WTF ever play school is ) or munching on carrot sticks with Clemintine and Cleo then the next minutes he's crossing his arm with a snarl on his face. But there's always an overly patient grown up to tame him before he totally lose his shit.

Mommy and Daddy are another mystery . They only go by Mommy and Daddy, and they look like they could be brother and sister . When Calliou starts his shit , they look at each other with a half smile ... like it YOUR turn to deal with this little shit ! They always seem to give Calloiu his way, but in a sly, your not supposed to notice kind of a way. Like , its okay to give the little jerk his way as long as it comes in the form of a " teachable moment" .
The thing I honestly don't get the most about this show is that it is supposed to "educational" preschool show.  What  EXACTLY are they teaching kids ?! About the 4 primary colors ? About how to be friend... as long as that said friend plays EXACTLY how you want them to play? That Mommy and Daddy will NEVER, EVER show even slightest bit of frustration when you do EVERYTHING you can to test the limits of everyone around you ? That you can get whatever you want by standing there with a snarl on you face and your arms crossed ? Ahhhh what is this ?!

The worst part of this show is like Preschool kid crack. Once I make the mistake of putting this crap on for my son after vowing NEVER AGIAN it is all he wants to watch. Calliou is all he wants to BE. He idolizes him, he wants to be him. He BECOMES him , and I have to threaten to cut him off if he sticks tomatoes down his shirt...uhhg. I swear , NO more but every morning he get in my face , hand me my phone and wants to me stream calliou onto our T.V . WHY? why HIM? Cant you anything BUT HIM? But... why fight a losing battle ... PBS knew exactly what they were doing they dreamed this spawn up. I can only wait it out until he gets to an age where he out grows this whiny bald headed punk they call Calliou. In the mean time I'll just continue to stream him at a hardly audible volume level and tell my son : If you want to hear what Calliou is saying you have to be REALLY quite and listen carefully so you can hear him ! ( oh God I'm sounding like Calliou's mommy now . HELP )